Haven't posted in awhile: here's why.

Alright, so, that's a pretty cool looking barrel, but what does it have to do with writing and publishing stories?

What does it have to do with why I haven't published anything in a while?

Well, I've been honing my skills and unfortunately I've run into a dry-spell of inspiration, or motivation, or, maybe the universe is telling me to develop this part of myself before I can move on.

Here's my goal: I want to be able to create the worlds I write about and this is bringing me one step closer. I have stories about dragons and landscapes that I want to bring to life in the real world and in order to do that, I have to develop this part of my discipline, and it isn't like I've had anything to write about.

I think sometimes this happens, well, actually, this has happened and usually a dry spell is followed by a burst of work. One year I wrote five books, but that was off the back of developing my writing, studying books, reading, reading, and so on. It's an imbalance in development because I go from one extreme to the other and this isn't entirely bad and here's why...

I published a few stories, one being about a witch who became blind. I can't remember what the title is, but, she... It's wartrice. I remember now.

I remember now. This story had problems because I didn't like how it turned out, for the most part anyway, and so I loved the cover of it, but, the story (to me anyway) didn't live up to what the cover presents. I rushed for the sake of getting it done and after that I fell into this dry spell. After the production of this story I slammed into a creative wall because it wasn't about sharing a story, it was about getting it done, and with making this your work, you have to get it done so that way you can move on.

I haven't really published anything since Wartice because I want to produce something better, but, in reality, I am coming to grips with the fact that no matter what, improvement is continuous, and it can become a problem, meaning: if I take creative breaks like this every time I am improving, my publication will be sporadic at best. The problem which arises is that the previous work, though people may enjoy witnessing improvement (as I do with other artists (I enjoy looking back and seeing development of other people)) to me, it's kind of a blemish, though it shouldn't be that way, however, just being able to look back and see work in an objective sense is something really powerful to behold.

If you review your work and can't think of any reasonable way to improve it without destroying it, you're improving. Whether it be grammar or concepts, there's room for improvement and for me, I've developed enough to where I understand when to end a story; the problem is taking pride in progress.

I'm not the only artist who feels this way. I see others who do the same thing and I encourage them to continue and develop. I tell them not look at their own work and feel embarrassed as I do, but to take pride in it because few people actually finish their work.

And just finishing is an accomplishment in itself.

Because of these complexes in my mind, I'm trying to break out of them, I have the idea that I must be 'so good at XYZ thing' to push myself, and so I publish, then I develop, publish, develop, and the cycle repeats and it's been this way for years. I start something, then abandon it because I found something 'better', and because of that... I usually switch gears and start over, but now I realize it doesn't matter what I try. There's always going to be ideas that come, always something new, always something... I can count on that, which in theory suggests I'm not focusing, which, may lie a lack of confidence or blind faith.

I don't know.

Maybe I go through this cycles because I get to the cusp of marketing myself and then I step away. I go back to the drawing board and say "no, no, I need to improve this, this, this, and that," and I do that, but now, I think that no one is ever really ready.

I don't feel ready.

There isn't much else to do than this. This is what I want to do... Write stories, create those stories in the digital world, share, and tip out my hat for loose change, and hopefully pay the bills with that loose change.

In order to do that I have develop what needs developing, but now I'm just running in place. The race started a long time ago, everyone else already ran out of sight, and I'm standing still at the starting line. That's how I feel, anyway. Once you cross that line (push yourself out into the world) you can't stop. Even if you stumble, trip, fall, and everyone is pointing and laughing, it's better than being on the other side of the line. I suppose it's wise to remind myself that it's better to be in the race than standing sides watching it, even if I come last place, that's still better than just standing there watching... hell, running in place is better than just standing there, because at least while running in place, you're developing.

But, to sum it up, I'm just afraid because now I feel as though I'm stepping into the unknown and I don't know how to defend myself against this cruel world and the only way to learn is to let it bite you, chew you up, and shred you. That's the only way I'll learn, so, I have to stretch my legs and go.

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